memory of my first love

memory of my first love

i would like to thank you for letting me go.

because i knew it was not meant to be,

but i let it happened anyway.

 

 

 

back in high school, i had always been curious how people actually survive relationships. as awkward as any teenage, i couldn't even hold a proper conversation with a close friend. this may come as a surprised because i had always been the chatty one. but honestly, i was never the center of any conversation. i was merely an avid and attentive participant, to keep the conversation going. not really the type of person who start any meaningful or memorable conversation. 

that same curiosity got the better of me. almost everyone around me was either with someone or had someone. most of them go around parading their break-up or still-together badges. to be honest, i wondered how and what a relationship meant. i saw couple huddled together, talking for hours. the only person i could talk to for hours was myself. and i had to work real hard to keep my mind shut up because it was always poisoning me with negativity.

when the notes came, things somehow changed.

conversation flowed naturally and effortlessly. he changed the way i think how relationships work. i thought to maintain and be in a relationship, you need verbal conversation as a form of reassurance. but with the notes he sent me, it was concise and direct. i didn't have to hide behind meanings and beautiful phrases. because the notes were small, my replies became simplified but meaningful. it was an amazing growing-up experience. 

after his school transfer, we resorted to letter writing. however, he stopped sending after his first. he promised he would call once he settled down. his calls never came. his letters, notes, replies, promises - never came.

he simply vanished; disappeared. 

concerned friends started asking questions about us. but i had no answer. i had nothing at all to offer because i had nothing. i could not look for him. he was too far away. i could only wait. deep in my chest, i could feel that twisting painful throbs. somehow, i knew it was over. because i had no answer, no reply, no confirmation, i could not give any answer. 

months gone with nothing at all. to nobody's surprise, nothing changed. my days in school continued. his desk remained vacant throughout the semester, served as the only reminder that he ever existed. quickly, friends started to get tired of being concerned. they just avoided that particular question altogether. i avoided that particular memory altogether. i kept telling myself that one day, i will finally affirm that feeling my instinct was telling me.

one morning where the sun was shining brightly and sky was papered beautifully with white clouds, he came back. straightening up in my seat, there he was, with a few other friends, walking towards our classroom. as i was getting up, i saw that he never looked at us. so i sat back down and watched as he walked past our classroom, straight ahead without looking back.

my heart knotted into a painful twist. 

that was it. 

my instinct was right all along. 

we were over. 

i sat down. feeling numb from my neck up. i could feel my head getting cold. i looked at my friend and said, "i guess we are over." she just nodded and patted my back gently. i thought i would feel sad or angry or whatever emotions that was appropriate in that situation. but i felt nothing. it was as if i was swallowed into this vacuum of nothingness, where all i felt was cold and "nothing". 

 

after that, i saw him again a few days later at a friend's house for our graduation dinner. he tried coming over but i moved swiftly to another group when i sensed that he was approaching. he gave up after failing a few attempts. i was glad. it felt like i was having my revenge.

a few years later, when i was in college, we met again in a mutual friend's gathering. i was caught off guard when i saw him there. desperately, he caught on me quickly and i had nowhere to hide. it was awkward, but he made sure i stayed talking to him as long as he could. for hours, we had empty conversations. always ended in awkward silence. but he fought on. he tried many times to keep me talking, to keep me in his sight. but in the end, it was time for me to go. 

 

throughout the night, it felt as if he wanted to clear his conscience about what had happened between us. because i was still mad at him, i kept stirring him away from that. i wouldn't let him apologize and move on. i wanted to torture him. i could feel him giving up after i left. i allowed myself to keep that grudge and anger i had towards him for another few years. that was my sweet revenge. i wanted him to feel guilty for hurting me. 

 

back home during one of my semester breaks in college, he sent me a messenger text saying he was back in town for his internship. he asked if i was back in hometown too. that day, generously i said yes and invited him for a movie. as i was sending him home from movie, he asked me to drop by for tea. i knew it was time. somehow, it felt like it was finally the right time to clear this cache of relationship in my life history. i should not torture myself and him anymore. so i stepped out of my car and walked into his rental together with him.

as he served our tea, i realized that this man standing right across the table from me was no longer someone i know. he was like a stranger now. i knew nothing about him anymore. he was only someone i used to know. he saw me looking at him and he sat down. 

 

inhaling sharply, he went straight to the point. 

he apologized, many times. 

after his first "sorry", i heard nothing more. he kept talking. i wasn't sure if he was giving me excuses or it was the truth. i did not care much for it anymore. i just felt my heart untwisted itself and i could feel that nothingness leaving me. i could breathe again. there was no pain anymore. that relief left me in a daze, a trance. i kept looking at him, stunned at how this whole situation was healing me as he spoke. 

when i finally came to my senses, he had stopped talking and he was no longer in front of me, but next to me. i blinked my eyes and looked to my side to where he was. he was quiet and his expression was unreadable. 

"you had me at sorry", i said. he remained quiet, unmoved. "it's okay. i don't want to hurt anymore", i whispered. 

i picked up the tea and the hot cup warmed my hand. "it's time." i continued, as if saying those words to myself.

he stood there as i sipped the tea. keeping my eyes ahead, not looking at him. after what felt like an eternity, he sighed and he sat down next to me. i handed him his cup of tea and we sat like that in silence, until we finished our tea.

 

i stood up and he joined me. 

"i gotta go," i said as i picked up my bag. 

i continued, "let's get on with our lives. we must move on."  

he nodded, and he smiled.

 

his smile, i noticed, did not reach his eyes.  

his eyes, i saw, was sad. 

 

as i got into my car, i said, "this is goodbye."

before i closed my door, i heard he said one last time, "i am sorry."

 

and this time,

i got into my car and drove on.

i never looked back, again.